CHRYSTOS
Especially when I mention land theft or rape or genocide
They go to therapy to understand themselves
pound anonymous pillows safely with a stranger
in the closed room of improper behavior
There is
no pillow I’m angry with
As far as I’m concerned i’m too tired to be angry enough
Angry that I can’t go anyplace
without seeing demeaning images and outright lies about Indian people
I’m livid that we can’t even keep the few pitiful acres we have left
if they happen to have uranium or copper or coal
Furious that I never feel safe alone on the streets
Angry that other people of Color
are somethimes as oppressive as whites
because whites taught them
everything they think they know about Indians
Riled that an Indian friend asked me why
I hang out with all those Black people
Angry with myself that I wasn’t fast enough to say
Why do you hang out with all those damn white folks
Steaming mad that a million people in this country
which is no longer in a recession
have no place to live
while office buildings sit empty for years
Enraged that you can buy a submachine gun in Florida
about any orher kind of gun any place you want
while the army and the cops amass more than enough weapons to kill
every person on earth
Furious that my cousin got shot in the head
and lives now barely able to say his name
I’m mad as hell at alcohol, crack and child abuse
I could easily kill several million random white folks
just to feel a little balance on this poor earth
But I’ve known since I was little that no matter how many
Of us they kill
it’s only ok for us to help them kill other brown folks
or to cheat each other or hate each other
or to buy stuff and imitate whiteness
or to act like our own people are the real problems
and we’re above it all
This is the pillow i’m hitting without any repercussions
Angry that women are in therapy
while men have increased tenfold raping and murdering
Furious with child porn
the use of children to sell toilet paper and laundry soap
Spitting with rage at intolerance starvation waste greed
all of which are reflected in myself despite my efforts
to seek balance
Boiling mad at my inadequacies and terror
raging that i’m still tortured by terrible nightmares
more than 20 years after I last saw the man
who raped my childhood into razors and nut houses
a man to whom nothing has happened or will happen
a man who did it to many other children
a man who my aunt handed me a picture of and said
This is when we were all such a happy family
though she knows what he did
a man whom even my closest friends tell me i shouldn’t kill
They’re wrong
Furious with the beaten parents who didn’t protect me
because they didn’t think I was worth it
or that they were
who beat me to shut me up
Enraged that the black medical student was suspended
for punching out a white one who wore blackface to a party as a joke
Ha ha it’s so funny when you pretend to be one of us
Ha ha we’re not angry when you do any damn stupid thing you please
then punish us for our feeling in the matter
Ha ha we love it when you buy your children fake tipis and headdresse
and books by whites of our stories with pictures of us
as pink charming savages
Ha ha we’re so happy you want to get rid of us so you can have all our stuff
and rename it and explain it and defame it
I’m enraged with every lying son of a turd
who takes our taxes to go to Bermuda and relax
after spending our money to murder whoever is
the current enemy and it’s sometimes us
I’m spitting with rage that most of my friends can barely scramble by
I’m angry that I cant sleep that I hate myself
that I can’t write as well as I want
because I’m so damn angry I can’t breathe
Furious that nobody else seems to be angry
and they don’t want me to be either
Enraged at this whole sodden rotting mess they keep calling
civilization
as it poisons the air and the water and kills everyone in it’s way
which is so barbaric as to lock up it’s Elders
for the crime of not being able to care for themselves
which thinks of age as disease instead of wisdom
which persists in calling queers sick or depraved or immoral
despite the so-called separation of church and state
which doesn’t exist
Red hot that I have to defend my anger
that sometimes I’m the nice one in comparison
to an even angrier woman
and then I’m treated with more respect
which demeans us both
I’m sick to death of blank eyes/zombie/nice girls
and lesbians who take drugs so they won’t be depressed
as though depression is bad when it is a very rational
response to our lives
and I have spent my life living inside numbing depression
without drugs, gritting my teeth through another hour and resisting suicide
with my bare hands because I can’t bear to let them win
when so many of my loved ones have blown their brains out in despair
I’m disgusted with drunks
and everybody who thinks
they’ve alive only to please themselves
even though some of them are my friends
I’d like to kill reality
which I don’t understand
I want to blow up every stupid university
pretending that it is teaching something new
when all thats happening is that students are officially treated like fools
until they care only about a piece of paper
and whether I have a piece of paper or not
All the pieces of paper all the degrees are burning up in my anger
Everyone will have to face each other as human
I’m sick of everyone who asks
What do you do?
As though some corporate title or college bs
is an identity
I want to tie up all the white supremacists into crosses
set fire to their hatred
I want to fight back with every tendon of my weary body
run by a mind who remembers the toilet taste of jail food
knows the brutality of nut houses
arms that remember straitjackets and forced drugs and the screams
of women being dragged off to shock torture
knowing that to speak up too loudly means to be killed
because decent people
beat pillows or their wives instead of racism or hunger
because the idea of being nice is more important
that the idea of being real
It’s the cotton candy we’ve all been eating
Until I, at least, am sick to death
I’m furious with English-only laws
with Japanese-bashing celebrated
as some kind of special holy clenacut sport
Furious that anti-semitism is as respectable as ever
and everybody who wants to talk about it must be a pushy Jew
I could kill those thousands of people who claim the nazi Holocaust
didn’t happen
I’m angry that as these words rattle out of my mouth
I’m already cutting them back cooling them off
taking the sting out because im afraid of what I might do
if I hear one more damn time
WHY are you so angry?
Raging that common sense and kindness are passé
not quite with it
Angry that breast cancer kills twice as many women
as men who have died of AIDS/SIDA but we’re all
still paying attention to the poor men
as usual
I’m blowing my top about clear cuts, abuse of resources
abuse of workers, torture of animals for testing cosmetics
with the terrifying idea that wearing fur makes a woman sexy or special
with the largest slave labor force in the world which is called
the u.s. bureau of prisons
Sick of everyone watching light-filled shadows on a screen
more important than life
that your average citizen spends more time
adoring those shadows than speaking to their own children
I’m furious with my incoherence
my inability to affect almost everything in my life
I’m angry with everyone who said some appallingly stupid thing
about peace pipes or pow wows or totem poles or tipis
Furious that the accepted ways to solve our pain
are to pay somebody to listen to us
or to adopt some party line without deviation
and preach it to everyone else
or to get high or to buy yet another piece of crap we don’t really need
or to disappear into games
Angry with organized and disorganized religions which fill peoples lives
with ignorant laws or hocus pocus or convince them that pain is holy
although I reserve most of my venom for the catholic church
which ruined my life with lies im still unraveling
I’m angry that none of us lives to our potential
that we’ve frightened into being the least we can be
to survive
Outraged that so much is swept under rugs
that we can barely walk
Furious that almost everyone still uses the word blind
to mean ignorant or insensitive or clumsy
that millions of trees are slaughtered to print romance novels or spy chillers
and every kind of wall street garbage
until I’m ashamed
to put words to paper at all
Most of us can hardly function
poisoned by corporate nonsense
assaulted with unnecessary chemicals
making somebody who hates us a nice fat profit
Angry that my back hurts all the time
from cleaning the houses of the lazy wealthy for 20 years
not one of whom is as intelligent, creative, or powerful as I am
Angry that I’m going to die this angry
and probably not be able to change a damn thing
Enraged that every place I go is inaccessible
even when they’ve altered the bathrooms inside because its the law
when a chair still can’t get up the outside stairs or in the door
At the braille signs inside elevators where there are none outside it
Furious with ignorance and apathy those smug cousins in every family
I cant shut my heart to the pain thudding all around us
Here in my hands are all the faces of those I’ve seen begging
in doorways, on freeway ramps, on sidewalks
begging for change for a meal or a drink
whose desperation is now against the law
This is just the scratched raw surface of my anger
which is fueled by the righteousness
of knowing we don’t have to live this way
We could embrace our profound connections
and our deep differences
learn from each other
Honor each other
begin to live without torturing
If you aren’t as angry as I am we probably shouldn’t try
to talk to each other
because I’m furious with your fear of anger
I’m angry that others are always telling me
that they feel them same way I do but they are afraid to say so
or they dont know how
or they’d lose their job or their lover
If you can speak
you can be angry
if you can’t speak bang your fork
If you’re furious with me
because I haven’t mentioned something
you’re angry about
get busy and write it yourself
There is no such beast as too angry
I’m a canary down this mine of apathy
singing and singing my yelow throat on fire
with this sacred holy purifying
spirit of anger
For Ayofemi Faloyan
Aktualizácia (16.08.2010; upravený preklad)
"ALWAYS TELLING ME THAT I'M TOO ANGRY"
C HRYSTOS
In particular, when I will describe the land theft, rape and genocide
Others go to therapy, to understand
safely anonymous punch pillows for strangers
in a closed room impropriety
I was angry
for any pillow
As for me, I'm too tired, so I was sufficiently angry
angry that I can not go anywhere
without there I saw degrading representation and direct lies of the Indians
I am furious that we can not keep even those few poor hectares that remain to us,
when it arises, that there can be found uranium, copper, or coal
Mad that they will never feel safe alone in the streets
angry that other colored people
are sometimes just as oppressive Whites
whites because they learned
everything they think they know about Indians
angry that one of my Indian friend asked me
why I spend so much time with those blacks
mad at myself that I did not respond to it immediately
Why you spend so much time with those cursed Caucasians
terribly upset that a million people in this country
which is no longer in recession
no place to live
while many office buildings are uninhabited years
furious that it is possible to buy a gun in Florida
or just any other weapon where you just
while army and police accumulate enough weapons to kill
everyone on this planet
Mad because my cousin shot in the head
and now is not able to pronounce his own name
I am so damn mad at alcohol, drugs and child abuse
Feel I could kill hundreds of millions of ordinary whites
only that I finally felt a little balance to this miserable country
But from an early age I knew that no matter how many
of us they kill
we can only kill other colored people
or cheat on each other or hate
or buy products and imitate whites
or pretend that our people are the real problem
and the fact that we have detachment
This is the pillow to the beat without any consequences
angry that women must go to therapy
while men tenfold increase rape and murder
shirty on child pornography
use children to sell toilet paper and laundry soap
upset fasting intolerance, greed waste
which are reflected in me, though
trying to balance
angry at my inability and my fear
furious that still torment me terrible nightmares
more than 20 years after I last saw the man
which raped my childhood to the blades and madhouse
man who was punished or not
man who did the same with many other children
man whose picture I showed my aunt and said
This was when we were still so happy family
even though she knows what I did
man whom I would even by my closest Friends did not kill
are mistaken
furious at the depleted parent who has failed to protect
because they thought that I am not worthy
or they were they
who beat me, so I was quietly
enraged that a black student was expelled from school
considered that hit the white, which as a joke at a party on the face painted black
Ha ha, it is also ridiculous when pretend that you're one of us
Ha ha, we are not at all angry when you make any major stupid thing that you please
and then punish us for our feelings in this matter
Ha ha, love, when you buy your children a false Indian tipi and masks
and books our stories from Caucasians with pictures of us
like pink charming savages
Ha ha we are so happy to be rid of us want to be able to hold all our stuff
and to rename them and explain and defame
I am furious at every motherfucker
who take our taxes to go to Bermuda to relax
after he spent our money to pozabíjal každého, kto je momentálne
jeho nepriateľom a sme to niekedy my
Horím hnevom kvôli tomu, že väčšina mojich priateľov
je sotva schopných prežiť nasledujúci deň
Nahnevaná, že nemôžem spať, že sa nenávidím
že neviem písať tak dobre ako by som chcela
pretože som tak čertovsky nahnevaná, že nedokážem breathe
furious that no one else seems to be angry
and they do not want me to be I
angry at this whole rotten mess that they call
civilization
that kills poisons air, water and kills everyone in its path
that is so barbaric that imprisons its older
for the crime of failure to care for themselves
which looks at age as a disease instead of wisdom
to continue calling homosexuals sick, perverse and immoral
despite so-called separation of church and state
which actually exist
red from anger that I have to defend their anger
that sometimes it's me nice compared
with yet nahnevanejšou woman
and then so treat me with more respect
which both humbles us
I am deathly sick of empty / zombie / cute girls
and lesbians who take drugs that were not depressed
depression as if it were something bad, when it is actually quite rational
response to our lives
and I spent my whole life living in the paralyzing depression
without drugs, škrípuc teeth through another hour and braving
suicide
own hands, because I would not sustain if they won
when so many of my acquaintances have exploded from the brain
despair
I am frustrated drunks
and anyone who thinks
that are here only to enjoy
although some of them are my friends
prefer I murdered reality
you do not understand
I want to blow up any silly college
that pretend to teach something new
when only what is happening there is that the students are there to act as official
fool
until they are just not interested in that piece of paper
and if I have the piece of paper or not
All these pieces of paper, all these titles will burn in my anger
We need to meet face to face as a people
I'm sick of everyone who asks
What are you doing?
As if a business degree or college diploma
was my identity
I want to tie all the racists on crosses
ignite their hatred
I want to put my resistance every sinew of my body depleted
driven mind that remembers the toilet taste Prison diet
knows brutality mad
hands that remember a straitjacket, forced drug and screams
women towed to shock therapy
to know that speak up too loudly would mean death
because decent people
punch pillows or their wives instead of racism and hunger
because the one idea of \u200b\u200bobedience is more important
idea than reality
It's cotton candy, which I ate
until I at least am, sick to death
furious on purely English law
of mocked the Japanese
as if it was a special holy sport
enraged that anti-Semitism is respected as never before
and the only one who can talk about it must be some ambitious Jew
I could kill all those people who claim that the Nazi Holocaust
the acted
I'm angry about that, when these words rushing out of my mouth
now the Suppression and softens
I take them strength because I'm afraid of what I did
it again začujem
Why are you so angry?
Mad, that common sense and kindness are passé
but not quite so
savage that breast cancer kills twice as many women
than men who died of AIDS / SIDA, but still we all
we pay attention to those wretched men
as usual
My anger exploded as the clear cut, because of the diversion of resources
abuse of workers, torture animals for testing cosmetics
with eerie idea that wearing fur makes a woman sexy, exceptional
most slave labor in the world, called
American prison authorities
Sick of the fact that everyone is looking to light the shadows on the screen
and it's important to them than life
that ordinary citizens face more time
worshiping the shadows, than talking to their own children
Mad at your clumsiness
my inability to affect almost everything that is happening in my life
angry at anyone who said something really stupid
of peace pipes, Indian meetings, totemic or tipi stakes
furious that recognized ways to get rid of our pain are
pay someone listened to us
or take some personal philosophy indiscriminately
and preach it to everyone around
or doped or buy back some shit you really do not need
or lose in the gaming
angry and disorganized to organized religions, which fill the lives
stupid rules and hanky or attempt to persuade them that the pain is sacred
although my greatest anger reserves for the Catholic Church
who ruined my life lies, which still have to overcome
annoys me that no one lives their life to the fullest
that are so afraid that what we are trying to at least
only way to survive
outraged that so many things for sweeping under the carpet
that then we can barely walk
furious that almost everyone still uses the word blind
importance of ignorant, insensitive and clumsy
million trees that will fall due to printing romance novels or detective
and any kind of economic waste
until herself blush
write words on paper
Most of us can barely function
when we disturbed corporate nonsense
prepadávaní unnecessary chemicals
and so we get someone who hates us
angry that I am constantly hurting back
upracovania from home lazy wealthy whole 20 years
neither of which is not as intelligent, creative or powerful as I
angry that the die upset
and probably unable to change even the slightest thing
furious that everywhere you go, can not get
although toilets in within the governed, because the law prescribes
when the truck get up the outer stairs or passing through a door
brailove The characters inside the elevator, where there are no out before him
furious on ignorance and apathy, overbearing relatives in each family
I can not close your heart Pounding pain all around us
Here in my hands are all the faces of those whom I saw beg
in the door, on the edge of the highway, on the sidewalks
žobrajúcich the small, the food or drink
despair which is now illegal
This is only scratch the surface of my anger
which draws on honesty
consciousness that we do not live that way
We could take our deep connection
and our deep differences
learn from one another
revere each other
begin to live free from torture
If you're not so angry as I am, we would probably not try
talk
because I am furious that you are afraid of anger
annoys me that others would always say
that they did not feel like myself, but afraid to say
or do not know how
or they could lose their jobs partner or a partner
Where can you talk
know be angry
If you can not talk, trieskaj fork
If upsets
because I forgot to mention something
to what you angry
dare to write it and
There is no beast name "too angry"
I am a canary in the mine apathy
sing and sing until my yellow nevzplanie hrdielko
the sacred purifying
spirit of anger
For Ayofemi Faloyan
